The Journal Factory Exploded (w/Connie)

Author: Connie Rizzo

  • How To Not Be Terrified Of Leaving Home

    How To Not Be Terrified Of Leaving Home

    School made life autonomous. When you go through 12 years of grade school it’s all the same. I can say that as someone who hated all 12 years of grade school and also pre-k. After barely surviving hormonal hell (high school), I’m ready for a change. I’m ready for college!

    I am an unreliable narrator. I am not ready for college.

    While I am exhausted of high school and the town I’m in, I’m nervous for college. I take the saying “the devil you know” (Sinners reference) very seriously. Part of my anxious brain wants to stay and be one of those losers that peaked in high school. Except it would be extra pathetic because I wasn’t fun and I didn’t have fun in high school. I’m not particularly easy to make quick friends with.

    this photo isn’t too big because it’s me my first day of high school,

    While that sounds like a sad little life I’m willing to live, leaving for college is necessary. I need space. Todays post is about helping me cope about the fact that I’ll be leaving.

    These are my college goals.

    1. I Want To Join The Newspaper (Maybe Even Become Editor)

    I’m an English major (as of this hour) and I love writing (clearly). I’ve always wanted to join my colleges newspaper, no thanks to Rory Gilmore. Even though she’s an awful person to look up to, academically she’s a good inspiration.

    my sophomore year yearbook staff photo

    I also did my high school’s yearbook (that’s a rant for another day) which surprisingly didn’t discourage me. Being editor made me remember how much I loved writing and really heightened my love for bossing people around.

    2. Dorming Like A True American

    Part of the true American experience is dorming at your college and not living with 3 generations until you die. I have been counting down the days until I move out since I was nine, when the sparkle in my eyes first started disappearing.

    I am the first in my family to move away for college. My mom went to Valencia, UCF and FAMU Law which are all in Orlando and my aunt went to Valencia and UCF. Moving down to Miami seemed scary at first but when I went to orientation that was it. I was leaving.

    The campus and city energy just felt right.

    me in brickell!

    3. Freedom!!

    This one is actually a part of my worries. I am worried that because I have such freedom I will get lazy or that I’ll let a negative mindset win me over. I have a lot of things I really want for myself. I want to work, I want to eventually join the honors college, and I want to be a much harder worker than I was in high school. This requires self discipline.

    I’ve always struggled with self discipline, I have a very “It’ll work itself out!” mindset which has caused me way too much stress. So, to combat this I decided to fix a couple things in my daily month to reset my mindset for this last month of summer.

    First, I need to walk everyday because the campus is huge and I don’t want to have cramps in my legs every night because they can’t handle it.

    Second, forcing myself to use my planner. I usually keep good track of things in my head but this is the organized way.

    proof of organization

    Third, making sure my room stays clean. A trigger for my depression and psychosis can be a messy room so keeping it clean helps on multiple accounts.

    Finally, fixing my sleep schedule. No more 2 am tik tok, from now on I get at least 8 hours, best case scenario, I’m getting a women’s 10 hours by the end of the month.

    I’ve started each of these at different points during July, but it’s mostly been two weeks since I started and I feel amazing. I could also just be manic.

    4. Esports Club

    My brothers have always been handed video games right to them. For me it was assumed I didn’t want any of it because I was a girl. It was mostly my dads fault for the unfair treatment, but partially just plain patriarchy because I was embarrassed to say I wanted to get into video games.

    By my junior year, I want to join the Competitive Smash Bros team, until then I will join the casual gaming club, the Esports club, and the GameHers (all female gaming club).

    Me as Luigi and my brother as Mario my first Megacon! Mario is one of my favorite video game franchises.

    I really want to expand my video game knowledge.

    Me finding the Valve, specifically the Portal 2, section at Megacon this year. Portal 2 is my favorite video game ever. I also love Valve and all their games! Maybe one day they count to three…

    5. Finally Learn How to…

    I have been trying and failing (due to self discipline issues) at learning how to skateboard casually for a solid year now. A lot of kids skate around campus and I would love to be able to skate from place to place.

    I also want to re-learn the guitar. This one might be harder to accomplish since I don’t have a guitar yet, only a dream. I believe there’s a way to make it happen though.

    Since I am an English major, I want to get my writing skills to their peak. I am extremely excited to see how my writing style changes throughout college with this blog!

    Fear is now excitement

    Between writing this and orientation, my fear has mostly become excitement. Lucky for me, my roommate is also really sweet and I feel comfortable experiencing freshman year with her.

    This is a new adventure a lot of kids my age face as well so I know I’m not alone.

    If you too are scared for college or moving away or even the future, try not to let it take you. I was gonna end this with advice about being scared but I have none so just try not to be!

  • “Get To The Part Where You’re Anxious!”- my depression probably

    “Get To The Part Where You’re Anxious!”- my depression probably

    I’m sensitive. “Hi Sensitive I’m Dad!”

    Okay but actually I’m sensitive. It doesn’t take much for me to start crying or feel an extreme wave of anxiety. For years I didn’t know how to manage it. I just let it take me and win. I would spend hours to days in bed just rotting away because my heart didn’t feel right yet.

    Today is different though. This is because I went through a rough stage of psychosis from late January to about Mid-June. After that ended, I just wanted to be better.

    Medicaid is some garbage because the United States is some garbage. Getting medicine or good help wasn’t really an option. This means I need to learn how to live with myself just the way I am until medication is a possibility.

    meaf

    Today:

    Today was not a good day. I got bad sleep (don’t drink delicious latte at 5 pm) and had a bad start to my day so I’ve been off all day. I was especially off at work and I kept messing up which gave me anxiety which messed me up more.

    sleep thief.

    So after my non-ideal morning to mid-afternoon, I found out some information. This was just information that made me realize I am perceived. This is because I’m a thing that exists so people have this stupid ability to think about me. I literally hate it.

    From this moment forward, I had to options, sulk and not sulk. I cried trying to pick.

    Part of me was trying to convince myself I didn’t care. The other part was trying to understand why I cared so much. I can’t change how people think of me.

    Small things like this can really trigger a depressive episode. It starts with anxiety that leads to overthinking that leads to mean thoughts that leads to me crying that leads to time being wasted that leads to me feeling hopeless and worthless.

    It feels like all my days are waiting for the next episode. Like my brain waits for me to get anxious to take me down.

    I came to the part in my loop where I thought “I wish I could go back in time.” That one always stings so bad, it makes me so mad that I can’t go back in time and change my behavior. Luckily for me, I’ve been working on myself. I can proudly say I noticed the loop before it overtook me.

    Before immediately going to my awful habits, I looked for some ways to try and regulate my anxiety and worrying.

    I tried grounding. 5 things I saw, 4 things I felt, 3 things I heard, 2 things I smelled, and 1 thing I tasted.

    Poster, flag, hate, decor, calendar. Hand, bed, paper, hot phone. Fan, fabric, “eat the pavement” by dev lemons. The plant-based chicken on my hand, the plant-based chicken in the air. Water.

    That stopped my looped thinking and worry and crying and from there I was able to do a breathing exercise and journal. I gave myself a 10 minute window to worry in my journal and then chose to get up and write my blog post for Sunday.

    Brag:

    I was obviously very proud of myself so I came to brag to the internet that I’m doing better. Maybe the Medicaid didn’t help and definitely made things worse, but I was able to help myself. And while this probably won’t always work, I’m glad it did this time because I almost crashed.

    I really have been trying to work on myself and better myself since my last depressive episode. Starting this blog was a very big step and something an insecure Connie would have never done. I think that’s why I love the Backrooms so much. When I first watched it, it felt like my mind during my psychosis.

    backrooms 4th time: extended cut
    backrooms 2nd time
    backrooms 3rd time
    backrooms 1st time
    backrooms wallpaper
    backrooms nails (i did have these for like three weeks)

    I don’t like to talk about my mental health because of a lot of reasons. But, I’m trying to be more open and without shame for being who I am. It’s held me back in more ways that just my mental health. So no more shame, and no more letting my anxiety dictate me.

    I sound like a medicinal ad. “Choose Lexapro…choose…you!” That’s no shade to Lexapro though, that’s my future.

  • The One: Finding The Right Style For Me

    The One: Finding The Right Style For Me

    (Ft. My Pinterest)

    A big stereotype in a teenagers life is “finding their own style.” I too struggle to figure out what that is for me. There are many different styles of clothing and many different aesthetics I enjoy. Common advice is “combine your styles” but what if I don’t know how?

    I’ve always been someone who’s cares about what I look like. For me, look good feel good is a very real thing. If I don’t feel like I look good, I cannot focus. My Instagram page’s “aesthetic” changes like every month.

    Let’s dive deep into my Pinterest boards to see if we can find the one.

    1. Cozy Outfits

    This board is inspired by the “cozy aesthetic.” I love a cozy, comfortable vibe. A bed with tons of blankets, a house with no overhead lighting, and only ever wearing sweats.

    This is usually the vibe I go for when I’m home and I need to get chores done (as a matter of fact I’m like this right now). I cannot get things done in my PJs, those are for sleeping. So, I go for a comfortable kind of vibe. Yes, yes I do need to feel cute to do chores and study.

    I also dress like this for exams or when I don’t want to do too much for school. This allows me to not be continuously keep thinking “Wow you’re underdressed,” and still be comfy.

    As for an overall aesthetic, I don’t think it’s for me. My Titi has this vibe going for her room. It’s cute but it’s more of a fashion choice for me rather than an entire vibe.

    I give this one an 7/10. I love being comfortable and cute…but it’s a specific occasion thing.

    2. Vintage with Gothic Inspirations

    My college dorm is an essential side of me. For our dorm, me and my roommate agreed for a Wednesday/Enid inspired room. All of her ideas were very colorful and bright, and my ideas were darker colors.

    The idea of my dorm being inspired by vintage gothic styles is amazing to me. Those interior design styles are the most gorgeous, and I’ve been collecting decor for a while now. I even have plans to vamp my lamp.

    PSA. Goth police don’t come for me, I take inspiration from gothic styles and I’m well aware this is not as goth as it could be. I don’t know the proper term for whatever this style is, so educate me.

    The only thing with this style is it’s mostly an interior design preference for me. Style wise I do enjoy a vintage look, but in a totally different sense. This is a 5/10, very cute, not me.

    3. Streetwear

    The board that inspired this is my jewelry board. I love lots and lots of big gold jewelry. I know this kind of jewelry is usually found with streetwear styles and it always eats.

    I adore this style for everyday where, and I usually try to go for a mix of this and a vintage style. If I could handle long nails it would be over, I would always eat. It’s too bad I always hurt myself…

    Everything thick or baggy, and looking so fresh and so clean. It’s just perfection in every way. This is honestly my favorite style and it makes me feel the most confident when I am dressed this way.

    I love that it’s the perfect mix of masculine and feminine which I think is the cherry on top for me. I can feel cute with or without makeup, depending on how I’m feeling.

    This style gets a 9.5/10 from me, it’s the best. My only complaint is sometimes it can be very overstimulating. Lots of jewelry, lots of layers. But my friend Markell told me something when I got my piercings that stuck: it’s worth the swag. He’s right.

    4. Vintage in a Grease Way

    Grease is my favorite musical. It’s about the fashion and the music, definitely not the message This 50’s diner style is the final contestant for today. Not to mention me and Betty Rizzo have the same last name. Hot take: There Are Worse Things I Could Do is way better than Hopelessly Devoted.

    This style is cute but has quite a few issues with it. It wasn’t created for people of color like me and I know that. That makes it slightly uncomfortable for me to fully enjoy it and give it my all.

    I do try to pay homage to this in my other outfits with a headband. I feel like Blaire Waldorf with it on. While she is more Audrey Hepburn than Grease, there’s two big crossovers: pink and headbands.

    Vintage pastel colors are also a big part of what I wear. It’s another way for me to bring that vintage look into my personal style.

    Overall, this style gets an 8/10 from me!

    That’s So Connie

    Now that I’ve discussed all my favorite styles, I think it’s safe to call what I like to wear some category of Vintage Streetwear (although I do blend all those styles in one, everything is circumstantial). I really discovered what I enjoy a couple months after my breakup and especially once I got my piercings. It took some time, but I’m comfortable with myself now. Now me or my friends can see stuff in the store and say “That’s so Connie.”

    To conclude, I’ll show some of my favorite outfits recently! I hope you enjoy.

    Comfort + Vintage: This was when I went to see the Mario Galaxy movie.

    Vintage + Streetwear: is was the 4th of July/ Beyonce release day!

    Vintage + Streetwear: Shopping with my friends at the cutest stores

    Streetwear + Comfort: Winter Park, FL with my friends

    Vintage + Comfort: When I first got my piercings! Told you I love a good headband.

    Vintage: My grad photos! Loved this baby-doll dress so much, so very 60’s.

  • I love Beyonce, this is my story.

    I love Beyonce, this is my story.

    Me and my family at Beyonce’s Renaissance Tour

    I had an argument today that got me very (and I mean VERY) heated. Now, I do get kind of angry, kind of fast but this was bad. I was hangry and fresh off a stressful shift. The argument was about who would make a better wife to Beyonce. I hold this close to me. Ever since I attended the Renaissance Tour back in my sophomore year of high school, I’ve become the biggest fan of hers, to the point where I can recognize any of her songs in only a couple of seconds.

    I’m Connie, I love Beyonce, and This is my Story.

    Put yourself in my shoes for a second, an insecure 15 year old in a relationship with a dumb, hormonal teenage boy and an extremely malleable mind. Low and behold, a confident Virgo singing about being ‘that girl’. I was forever changed.

    Renaissance is one act in Beyonce’s 3 part project that focuses on freedom and innovation, creation without judgement. This album was focused on the intersection between blackness and homosexuality, as well as an homage to her Guncle Jonny. It includes house, dance, disco, and pop genres and was the gateway to losing my Bey-ginity.

    Thank You Brat Generator – This is from her song ‘Heated’
    My senior quote

    The songs on Renaissance helped me gain confidence in scary moments. The opening song I’m That Girl was even my senior quote. “It’s not the diamonds, It’s not the pearls, I’m that girl.” This was scandalous of me because I was terrified to put such a cocky quote. I was scared of kids from my high school making fun of me for having the audacity to have confidence. Then I remembered I don’t care. Just kidding, I cared a lot. I just listened to the song and remembered it didn’t matter what anyone thought of me, as long as I thought of me as ‘that girl’.

    Beyonce’s Discography in my Eyes

    This newfound love led me to listen to all of Beyonce’s song. To shorten things up, here’s a list of the albums from favorite to least favorite (least favorite does NOT mean I don’t like the album, that’d be crazy. They’re ranked on how much they effect me in my young age.)

    1. Lemonade: revolutionary
    2. Renaissance
    3. Bday
    4. Cowboy Carter
    5. Beyonce
    6. 4
    7. Dangerously In Love
    8. I Am Sasha Fierce

    hm: Her Lion King album with Disney. A lot of people didn’t like it, but I thoroughly enjoyed her light to traditional African music. I think people didn’t like it for the same reason they didn’t like Cowboy Carter: racism.

    This specific image is in reference to one of Beyonce’s looks for Cowboy Carter. Read the whole article here

    Cowboy Carter is More Than Just ‘Texas Hold ‘Em’

    Cowboy Carter is another interesting album, the second act in Beyonce’s project. It’s comparable to Lemonade in certain aspects as it was written right after. This is very obvious when you listen to both the albums. Lemonade has a country song and Cowboy Carter has Jolene.

    I love discussing this album because it’s so innovative. It is true country music because it was created by a black woman. Country was created by a mix of black slave hymns, traditional Native American music, and music from Mexican migrants. I.e. NOT WHITE AMERICANS. It’s a colonized music form.

    I have dealt with Beyonce-hating racists in the flesh, ranging from old white alcoholic men and passive aggressive liberal white women. The facts they refuse to listen to is the impact Cowboy Carter made. Cowboy Carter boosted careers for many black country artists (including Shaboozey) and awareness on the true history of country music. That’s what I love about it. It’s not just creative, it’s political. I love history and this album has so many historical easter eggs, it’s impossible to get bored of it.

    Read the whole article here

    My favorite song on this album is by far “AMERIICAN REQUIEM” The song contains a lyric that stumped me for sooo long. “For things to stay the same, they have to change again.” But one night, it clicked and easily became my favorite Beyonce lyric of all time. “For things to stay the same…” For the United States to keep their standards, for example “freedom for all,” “…they have to change again.” It needs to change the context of who “all” is. This is followed by the lyrics “You change your name but not the ways you play pretend.” You can connect the dots here.

    This applies to many Constitutional rights nowadays. The album and all the American flags may come off as patriotic to white America, but it’s really a big “fuck you.” She’s saying, the United States is a business built by black people. It’s a callout to colonialism, white-washing, gentrification, and cultural appropriation.

    Fin

    Safe to say I love Beyonce. She changed my life and the way I view the world. I am very excited for the third act of her project to release (hopefully this year). I’m Connie, and that is my why.

    Beyonce’s newest release, hopefully leading up to Act 3!
  • Mockumentaries and New Girl

    Mockumentaries and New Girl

    Sometimes when I watch shows, and specifically sitcoms I have to remember someone wrote that character. I get so much second-hand embarrassment from Michael Scott and The Modern Family that I feel I’m living in the situation. In the moment, I have to remind myself it’s not real and I can relax. But when I’m embarrassed about something I did, I’ll think “Worse has happened to Jessica Day, it’s fine.” The irony is interesting.

    Sitcom totes at Megacon

    I think that exact mindset has led me to feel less and less embarrassed when I make a mistake. I try to mimic characters who seem to have unwavering confidence despite the dumb stuff they say or do. This doesn’t always work. Mostly because I don’t have an unwavering confidence and I do have anxiety. For the most part though, it’s keeps me from dwelling. It helps me laugh off situations and just continue to move on after I do stupid things. You can’t change the past, just like you can’t change the outcome of “Scotts Tots,” no matter how much you watch it.

    My Why

    The Office forever is and always will be my comfort show. I know that show like the back of my hand. I don’t even have a favorite character because I love them all so much (except final seasons Andy).

    Parks and Rec is always for motivation. I look up to most of the women in that show, they always make me want to work harder, Leslie Knope is a big role model for me.

    Modern Family is a show that I’ve seen so many times that I use it mostly to fall asleep because my dreams are always better when it’s playing. I also love it for whenever I have any sort of family issues because it’s so relatable and cushy.

    Abbott Elementary is on it’s way to my constant rewatch list.

    It’s clear mockumentary style sitcoms mean a lot to me, they’re always my go to with the exception of New Girl. It’s what I went for when I feel awkward and out of place because everyone in that show is awkward and out of place.

    The Impact

    This is our list, it goes down to 62, my dad has seen almost all of them.

    I’ve seen around 25 sitcoms, my dad has seen 50, give or take a few (we have a list). But the reason I always tend to go back to the same ones is the influence the characters have on me. I can see myself in a lot of those characters and it keeps me coming back when I don’t feel like myself. Traits I don’t like in myself, I love on Claire Dunphy and Schmidt.

    These shows are also very nostalgic to me. I remember my dad watching every single one of these shows when I was younger. I also remember when he finally told me I was allowed to start The Office. That day definitely changed my life. They are my upbringing and my childhood comfort. I get to grow with them too.

    We watch Pam and Jim get married and have a family, we get to watch all the kids in Modern Family go through all our same life stages. Finally being older than first season Haley Dunphy is a flex in my eyes. We watch New Girl characters go through a cartoonish adulthood. It makes the life we live now, not seem so rough. When you can see it always ends up okay or with another dumb joke, things feel less stressful. Especially when some of the characters end up in way worse situations than tripping on a sidewalk while running to your next class before you’re late.

    That’s when it’s best to forget that those characters are not real and remember they’re inspired by very real people.