I’m sensitive. “Hi Sensitive I’m Dad!”
Okay but actually I’m sensitive. It doesn’t take much for me to start crying or feel an extreme wave of anxiety. For years I didn’t know how to manage it. I just let it take me and win. I would spend hours to days in bed just rotting away because my heart didn’t feel right yet.
Today is different though. This is because I went through a rough stage of psychosis from late January to about Mid-June. After that ended, I just wanted to be better.
Medicaid is some garbage because the United States is some garbage. Getting medicine or good help wasn’t really an option. This means I need to learn how to live with myself just the way I am until medication is a possibility.
Today:
Today was not a good day. I got bad sleep (don’t drink delicious latte at 5 pm) and had a bad start to my day so I’ve been off all day. I was especially off at work and I kept messing up which gave me anxiety which messed me up more.
So after my non-ideal morning to mid-afternoon, I found out some information. This was just information that made me realize I am perceived. This is because I’m a thing that exists so people have this stupid ability to think about me. I literally hate it.
From this moment forward, I had to options, sulk and not sulk. I cried trying to pick.
Part of me was trying to convince myself I didn’t care. The other part was trying to understand why I cared so much. I can’t change how people think of me.
Small things like this can really trigger a depressive episode. It starts with anxiety that leads to overthinking that leads to mean thoughts that leads to me crying that leads to time being wasted that leads to me feeling hopeless and worthless.
It feels like all my days are waiting for the next episode. Like my brain waits for me to get anxious to take me down.
I came to the part in my loop where I thought “I wish I could go back in time.” That one always stings so bad, it makes me so mad that I can’t go back in time and change my behavior. Luckily for me, I’ve been working on myself. I can proudly say I noticed the loop before it overtook me.
Before immediately going to my awful habits, I looked for some ways to try and regulate my anxiety and worrying.
I tried grounding. 5 things I saw, 4 things I felt, 3 things I heard, 2 things I smelled, and 1 thing I tasted.
Poster, flag, hate, decor, calendar. Hand, bed, paper, hot phone. Fan, fabric, “eat the pavement” by dev lemons. The plant-based chicken on my hand, the plant-based chicken in the air. Water.
That stopped my looped thinking and worry and crying and from there I was able to do a breathing exercise and journal. I gave myself a 10 minute window to worry in my journal and then chose to get up and write my blog post for Sunday.
Brag:
I was obviously very proud of myself so I came to brag to the internet that I’m doing better. Maybe the Medicaid didn’t help and definitely made things worse, but I was able to help myself. And while this probably won’t always work, I’m glad it did this time because I almost crashed.
I really have been trying to work on myself and better myself since my last depressive episode. Starting this blog was a very big step and something an insecure Connie would have never done. I think that’s why I love the Backrooms so much. When I first watched it, it felt like my mind during my psychosis.
I don’t like to talk about my mental health because of a lot of reasons. But, I’m trying to be more open and without shame for being who I am. It’s held me back in more ways that just my mental health. So no more shame, and no more letting my anxiety dictate me.
I sound like a medicinal ad. “Choose Lexapro…choose…you!” That’s no shade to Lexapro though, that’s my future.